Attention: this text was originally published on February 8th, 2020.
You can access this article in Portuguese by clicking here.
Subway history
The same story told from two different points of view. How do we see each other?
It was a Thursday, around 3:30 pm. I had left the house late, so I ended up walking out of breath at the door of the Ana Rosa subway. My destiny? Butantã Station. More specifically, the Institute of International Relations at the University of São Paulo. They opened a quick — and free — course on the theme “Latin America: the last 20 years and the next 20 years”. Do you really think that, just at the most wonderful time of the year (holidays!), I would miss the opportunity to take a course as beautiful as this, and still without paying anything? If your answer is “yes, you would miss this opportunity!”, you can stop reading this text now. Our relationship are cutted off.
But let’s get down to business. As I said before, I got out of breath at the subway door, but I managed to find a place to sit and rest (I believe the moment helped me). By the next station, Paraíso, I had recovered from the rush. Then I heard the beep, warning everyone that the door will close — the same one that made me run so I wouldn’t have to wait for the next train — and, just like me, she got in at the last moment.
It’s a strange feeling. I never saw that girl, but I felt a connection. I don’t know if it was her hair — not quite straight, not quite curly — or the way she fumbled in her purse for the phone, or the fact that she was singing in her mind, just moving her lips without making a sound. Perhaps it was “her gypsy eyes of hers, slanted and sly” (although definitely not Dom, nor Casmurro). But I just know it happened.
Time stopped for me, and I could only admire that woman. She shouldn’t have been more than 23 years old.
Where did she come from? Where does she go? Was she late, like me? Does she have brothers? Does she prefer lasagna or an x-burger? Does she live in a house or apartment? Is she in college? Does she have a boyfriend? Or already had one? Is she okay with herself? Do you have any childhood trauma?
The questions kept popping into my mind. All unanswered. Not that they all deserved an answer, but we can’t control all our thoughts, can we?
It took a couple of subway stations for my thoughts to finally make some logical sense again, and for me to realize that I had to do something to change this situation. This is clearly the kind of opportunity that rarely happens.
But what to do? How to make it? How not to look weird? How can I talk without being invasive? Should I praise the smile? Or ask for the name of the song she’s listening to?
New questions filled my mind, and I once again felt paralyzed. Immobile. No action. I did not know what to do. Many possibilities, but none with proven effectiveness.
I decided: I would say that she had a beautiful smile and that she seemed to be an interesting girl, and hand her a piece of paper with my phone number. I’m not that boring and not that ugly, I must have some chance.
Building up the courage to do so, I suddenly hear: “next station: Trianon-MASP. Get off on the left side of the train.” And before I got into action, she was gone. And the door closed. And we fall apart. Forever.
I don’t even know her name, but she may have lost the great love of my life. And it was my fault. How did I let this happen again?
Life goes on. “Next station: Consolation”.
I woke up punctually at 7:30 am and started doing my Morning Ritual: I brushed my teeth, 15 minutes of reading, 10 minutes of meditation — using diaphragmatic breathing and energizing music -, about 30 minutes of walking and, on the way back, a bath cold to get ready for another day to be lived.
I then reviewed my Bullet Journal — you know, those super customizable diaries that are capable of organizing practically your entire life — and confirmed what was already obvious to me: today, Wednesday, there was a presentation by Tuyo in the MASP building. I can’t miss this for anything!
The day went by calmly, everything according to plan, and, cautious and anxious that I am, I decided to leave the house a little earlier than I imagined. I even thought about putting a flat iron on my hair… But between getting a top spot at the show or getting all perfect, if you know me, you know that the first option makes a lot more sense.
It’s so nice to live near the subway! I live next to Paraíso station, and I always thank my parents for this decision, because in addition to getting a little exercise, I also save on tickets! As soon as I went down the stairs, after having passed the turnstile, I noticed that the subway was there, stopped. I took a light rush (nothing too intense not to draw attention!) and managed to get in just as the doors started to close. Victory!
If I can plan my routine effectively enough, I can’t say the same about my purse: it’s always a mess! It took a good five minutes for me to find my earphones. But that done, I went straight to Spotify, where I put the playlist (you can already guess which artist). It’s funny how some songs have the power to evoke feelings, sensations, memories… And that’s what happened in the very first song, “Meus 15”. When I found myself, I was already singing the whole song in my mind, by heart:
“Back when I was 15, I didn’t know how to flirt. So flustered, and desperate, I even asked God to help me.
On my 18th, first kiss, Curitiba Bus Station. Famous place in my history, the background of my loves. I’ve been through so much, I thought I had found a great love. But I realized a great thing: that useless panics we don’t need to feed. We don’t need to feed.
I reached the 23rd less hefty… Still wrong, but cautious. I still hope for great love, but I consider it to be a detail. One more bonus of existing: that time is a mere carelessness of mine, disarray of the days, blindness to look at the sun.”
In my case, it was not the Curitiba Bus Station, but the Ana Rosa Bus Terminal. Yes, I’ve been through so much there, and I’m very proud of my story. Maybe that’s why I ended up smiling kind of involuntarily.
And that’s when I realized he was watching me. Sitting on one of the empty subway benches, I noticed him shooting me, but then he looked away. I thought this gesture was cute, mainly because he was definitely not a person to throw away.
Maybe at another time in my life, when I was younger, I would even do the plumbing, do some charm… I still hope for great love, but I consider it to be a detail. Having someone to call and call me bae is not my focus, and I’m very happy with the way things are going. It may even be that boy is a great love, but if it’s to happen, it will happen. Or now, or at another time in life. But it will happen… Useless panics we shouldn’t feed.
All of a sudden, I hear: “Next station: Trianon-Masp. Get off on the right side of the train.” I pack my things, wait for the door to open, and leave. Without realizing it before that boy was still looking at me.
I could hardly believe that the show was finally coming. What a beautiful day to be lived!
